im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
