I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
