I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
