We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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