It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize