not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
