Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
