I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
