I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
