i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you win again, gameday.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
