just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
