Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
