I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
