Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Vodka?
Forever.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So apparently I’m into choking now
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