i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
