i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
