Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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