Your favorite bartender is back from prision
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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