I think my vagina is haunted
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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