remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
