What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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