I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
