I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
