I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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