i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
is wine microwaveable?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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