Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
