I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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