I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
