evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
