I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
