I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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