how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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