So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
