After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
