im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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