Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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