My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
