i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
