Your favorite bartender is back from prision
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
