It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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