The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
