I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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