A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
