i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it hurts more in the daytime
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Randomize
