My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
