seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
