I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
