The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
