Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
