I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Your penis caused this!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
