Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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