I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
