I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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