the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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