I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
