If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
