You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize