i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
