rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
