I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
