To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
