he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
