Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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