he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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