they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
